Friendship is vital to our growth and endurance as Christians, but friendship is the type of relationship we do not often learn about in the church. Perhaps friendship is seldom at the forefront because we assume it should develop naturally and happily, whereas brotherly and sisterly love require much supernatural forbearance and practical skill. In the absence of biblical thought and teaching, we tend toward a distorted and often self-oriented understanding of what friendship should be. Therefore, it is important not only that we have and instill in others a deep understanding of biblical friendship but that we also ensure our friendships are centered on Christ.
What Is Christian Friendship?
We will, of course, engage friendships with non-Christians in our everyday lives, but we must first consider the health of our Christian friendships, those relationships that fulfill Jesus’ command to “love one another” in such a way that “all people will know that [we] are [His] disciples” (John 13:35). These are our friendships within the church. How, exactly, should we define Christian friendship?
An understanding of Christian friendship starts with God Himself. The first friendship in creation began when God extended His hand toward humanity. In the beginning, He sought out the company of those He had created. From eternity past, the triune God enjoyed perfect friendship within the Godhead. He had no need of our friendship, but He wanted His creaturely image bearers to share in that fellowship, so He created man and woman, and He walked with them as friends. Adam and Eve, as we know well, destroyed that friendship through sin, but God responded by extending friendship to us again in Jesus Christ. Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). And He did lay down His life so that the hostility that had eradicated our intimacy with God could be eliminated and that intimacy restored. Now we have fellowship with God once again if our faith is in Christ alone.
Why must we know redemptive history in order to define Christian friendship? Because God’s initiation and demonstration of friendship are the foundation of brotherly and sisterly love: “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19). Without this knowledge, or sometimes even in spite of it, we exchange God’s love for people’s love and look to them for what only God can give—unconditional love, all-knowing intimacy, perfect provision, and soul security.
So many of our friendship issues arise because we think people should respond as God does, or we assume that God responds to us as imperfect people do. When we attempt to find our security and value solely in human friendship, we become idolaters: “For my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water” (Jer. 2:13).
One way we can know that our friendships are centered on Christ, then, is if we are consistently enjoying the friendship of God. When we know His daily companionship, we also know that His ability to love, know, and care for us is limitless and flawless, and human friendship can be enjoyed in its proper, secondary place because we are not putting pressure on it that it was never meant to bear.
So, biblical, Christian friendship entails securing ourselves to the sure, steadfast anchor of Christ and, while holding to that anchor, giving and receiving the gift of friendship to others as He gives us opportunity. The goal is to enjoy God together with other Christians and, as we move through life, to sharpen our friends and to allow ourselves to be sharpened by them.