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The older and wiser we get, the more we understand that conflict is a normal part of living in a fallen world made up of complex, not-yet-glorified mortals. Whether you are a spouse, coworker, church member, or all three, it doesn’t take long to be reminded (again) that relationships between fallible sinners entail endless occasions of misunderstanding, miscommunication, differing perspectives, and offenses.
Scripture makes clear, however, that even though conflict is inevitable, our desire and aim should be to resolve it and live in peace with others, especially our brothers and sisters in Christ:
Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. (Ps. 34:14)
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. (Rom. 12:18)
So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding. (Rom. 14:19)
Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. (Heb. 12:14)
For those of us who are nonconfrontational and prefer to stay out of things, these verses may sound somewhat irrelevant. Live peaceably with all? No problem. We ought to consider, however, that the absence of external conflict does not necessarily mean the absence of internal heart conflict. Sometimes someone says or does something that rubs us the wrong way, and we simply decide, I don’t like that person and will keep my distance. Other times, we experience “secondhand conflict”—friction in the heart toward a person who is in conflict with someone we love, such as a spouse, child, or close friend.
Seek. Live. Pursue. Strive. Aim. Plan. Living in peace with others—both internally and externally—is no passive endeavor but rather deliberate action. Unfortunately, it is often the case that much of our deliberation involves not actively pursuing peace but actively fueling the fire of conflict in order to indulge our fleshly motives and emotions. I will not make eye contact if I pass her. I will post these words on social media where he is sure to see them. I will go to bed without saying goodnight. I will discuss it with somebody who is sure to confirm that I am right and she is wrong.
Carrying out those “plans” for continued conflict and cooled relationships might temporarily indulge the flesh, but in the end it only makes us more miserable and stunts our spiritual growth. Instead, we should ask questions that help us actively strive for peace: How could I communicate that I am for her and not against her? Is this an offense that I ought to just overlook? What evidences of God’s grace do I see in his life? What could I do to break the ice the next time I see her?
Asking, answering, and acting on such questions strikes a blow to the sinful flesh and promotes our own joy as we humbly entrust our relationships to the Supreme Peacemaker.