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Sincere Christian parents know they cannot be permissive. We must diligently teach our children God’s commands and do the hard work of corrective discipline (Prov. 22:6, 15).
But we might forget that one of God’s rules is “the law of kindness” (Prov. 31:26, KJV). Kindness is not an alternative to firm discipline but an essential companion. Real love is both truthful and kind (1 Cor. 13:4). So parents must put on “compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience” (Col. 3:12). We must parent like our heavenly Father, who is “kind in all his works,” even to “the ungrateful and the evil” (Ps. 145:17; Luke 6:35). God nurtured rebellious Israel with “cords of kindness, with the bands of love, . . . as one who eases the yoke on their jaws” (Hos. 11:4). A heavy-handed rider agitates his horse. What is needed is gentle control. Kindness is not weakness; it is the strength to resist sinful sternness and return a smile for a sneer and a gentle word for an insult.
Paul’s ministry models the ideal parental temperament. He was “affectionately desirous” of his “very dear” spiritual children. He encouraged them “like a father” and was gentle “like a nursing mother” (1 Thess. 2:7–12). Likewise, fathers must not provoke their children to discouragement and anger (Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21), and the excellent mother is ruled by “the law of kindness” (Prov. 31:26, KJV).
Sadly, some parents forget that their children are covenant members and divine image bearers. John Newton wrote, “I know that my father loved me—but he did not seem to wish me to see it.” Instead, parents should imitate God by matching justice with mercy and strength with tenderness. The Puritan Matthew Henry urged parents to exercise authority over their children not “with rigour and severity, but with kindness and gentleness.” J.C. Ryle agreed: “You must set before your children their duty—command, threaten, punish, reason—but if affection be wanting in your treatment, your labor will be all in vain.” Why? Because “anger and harshness may frighten,” but you will soon lose your children’s respect. Rather, William Hendriksen writes, parents “should create an atmosphere which will make obedience an easy and natural matter, namely, the atmosphere of love and confidence.” This is the best way to help your children pursue “righteousness and kindness” and find “life, righteousness, and honor” (Prov. 21:21). And as Mary Beeke writes, “Parents who treat their children with dignity and kindness will be the beneficiaries of it as well.” The children of the virtuous and kind woman “rise up and call her blessed” (Prov. 31:28).
It is impossible to overestimate the power of kind parenting. By His loving kindness, God rescues sinners from folly, disobedient wandering, spiritual slavery, and soul-killing hatred (Titus 3:3–5). If God has forgiven you in Christ, you should “be kind to one another” and “tenderhearted” (Eph. 4:32)—especially to your children. I’ve never heard anyone reminisce on their parenting years and regret being too kind.